new, old, expectation!


. . . doubts . . .

What is the worse fear when you start something new? The fear of not doing right or the fear of put too much pressure too soon? Maybe the fear of being happy and let it be is the worse ever. When you passed throughout so many obstacles in a short period of life, a relationship in the end of a tunnel might seems right. But… we will always have the doubts.
In fact, doubts aren’t a bad thing at all. Now, how you will handle it is what really matters in this maths. If you hand your doubts thinking ahead and adding experiences on top of it, you will figure out some answers. Might not be the right ones, but, at least, you are shedding light in your fears! Fears and doubts are inevitable hand in hand! Real friends also will play a good part on the process to clear your doubts, but without them, do not think your world is over.
Be courageous and have a good mind that things will clear up is the way to go. With that thought in mind, I am kind shedding some light in my denials, fears and doubts.
But it is all a hard job. I am a kind guy that in my teenager years, I didn’t have relationship, at all. Less still was I kissing girls; so jealous of Kate Perry. But I was already having, protect, sex, loads. But since the early ages, I started to deal with my desires and feelings by myself.
So on, when I start something new, especially relationship I have a tendency to create a whole new expectation. I like to be in relationship. But I am no fool in deny that a strange feeling take over the rational side of my brain and makes me a very unbalanced person.
Experience will teaches you to master your way to skip that feeling but, like me, you might always be the crazy guy in other’s people eye. I don’t care, but some people cares, and a lot. Some of then, kill themselves. Others abuse the drink, I did, and drugs, I also did. And, now, I am handling it all clean and confused still, but no magical stuff goes into my brains. They come out, as writings.

For instance, now, I think I am getting a new relationship! I get myself thinking my new thing like if it is a clean sheet that I must care about. There, I’ll write the stories that I may live at the moment with that special guy with my particular pen and in a very good paper… much consideration also brings the flavour while I am enjoying that. This is indeed a good feeling.
However, I know I must be clever and intelligent to stop denying the good things that I am having but I am not. I am 100% emotion and because I fear on my own, (I live alone) the fear of not having at all kills the good side of having something. That feeling is a real pain in the hole. We all know that we don’t have at all! But we keep denying this.
I get myself thinking how much does the other likes me! I guess I’ll never know in depth. I guess I’ll never be able to relate how much he cares for me! And honestly, all of that is fine since he keeps the respect and attention while with me! What is not fine is the fact that because of him, my insecurities and fears double its size.

Once when I was in a bad, really bad, relationship, my ex took from me, my ability to trust in people. Now, I ask myself if with this one, I will ever be able to bring this skill back into my life! I guess if I don’t give a shot, I’ll never know!

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