Since 2004 I have decided to hit my big dream, living abroad, I never in my wildest dreams could ever imagine how hard you’d be to survive like that. Since early stage, life hasn’t been so easy and I didn’t help either…
Friends were left behind in a journey to make more around the world. And in fact things didn’t happen like that… when you are young and fresh in a city that is in fast constantly changing, you feel like you’ll never die. Things are coming on your way. Sometimes good and most of the time bad, but your youth keeps you going like there was no tomorrow.
The bad ones can be mentioned as a one bad night standing; one bad conversation in a bar or maybe just a misunderstood when trying to order a Chinese take-out over the phone, when you have broken English or ever a speech impediment. As in life, everything has its own hierarchy and from bad to worse you can go like a fast drink down your throat in a packed, smelly, dance floor.
When you started to wake up next day with people that you barely remember in your bed and the outside door is open, it might be a signal that things went not so well the night before; or when you are fully aware what you’re doing but for one instance, your mobile phone is gone and you could swear that you had it all night long. From there you might reconsider what was wrong. Your choices, probably.
And so on, you start to get later, smelly and on the same clothes from last night in the job that, for good or not, is paying the bills… and the last thing that you want to hear is your manager asking you for performances…
Well, put it all in a mixer and, your flatmates are drinking the rent that they suppose to pay behind your back; you timekeeping is in a constantly hot spot and you’re actually fed up to be doing a job that you hate but you have no courage to change your life! You start attach relationship and money in one single place and nothing is like it was before. Now you fear the dead line to pay bills, how much you spent last night and how could you ended up in that after party with that crowd.
In a small scene, with just about 2clubs, a couple few bars and one sauna, no longer are you the fresh one and suddenly, you’ll find yourself competing to kids way less experienced than you but, way more fearless, younger, stronger and sillies. In a town that holds it clubs as if we were all in the last century still, there is no place to go. And so on, big mistakes are starting to be noticed. Your boyfriend is jealous and possessive; your alcohol consumptions is reaching levels like a stock market back in 2003 and your job is giving a written warning about your timekeeping. And not happy enough, you say to then to place the job whatever they find better!
Now, the picture is complete. You are jobless, debt full and with marks on your arm from the last night fight with your boyfriend. What to do? You call your friends and explain the situation. You ring one or two but you know, people are working and they will probably meet you next Friday in the clubs. But because you’re drinking as much as a Russian in a really bad winter, you find out that you pulled a huge show last week in one of the clubs and now, bared you are and can’t meet your so called friends.
You still try contact by test messages, facebook, orkut, bebo, missed calls but for no apparently reason they are all unavailable for you. Is this end? You look back at the scene and how ingenuous were you all worried hooking up the new couple in town; or how stupid were you working as a free PR to those clubs when foreign guys would come to you around town and ask you about the hottest place to party?
Or ever better; why did you pay so many drinks to your best pall that now, when you are completely lifeless, out of the scene, hangs with a crowd where you were never welcomed when you were in the scene.
Now, your thoughts race like racing horses in Derby. More, your conscience, now alcohol free pose the hard and not so easy question to answer: for how long were you hanging out with the wrong folks?
My dearest single reader, that’s the answer that life gave me. You didn’t spend time with the wrong folks if when your mistakes were done, at least one of then were beside you, listening and making things easier to understand. However, if the case is lets go to the bar, and you were paying the bill, I am truly sorry, you will have to walk away from then, find yourself really bad, broke, alone and single again. So on, you can pick up the pieces that you have left, put it all together and grow. Believe me, in so many moments you will feel like you can’t do that by yourself, but you’ll manage it.
You will grow stronger, independent and better. Do not ever think in throw yourself in front the Luas. The only thing that you will do is be front page for one day in one of those rag classless tabloids, delay angry commuters and spend more money from the State that is already broken.
Only yourself can answer you very own doubts. My ones went from jobless to several heart breaks; from one night stand in Amsterdam to violent trip in Prague with possessive ex-boyfriend; and, from two handfuls, scene gay friends, to no one now. From being hungry, while everyone was offering drinks on the streets we met when the only thing that I was looking for was some food… And do you know what? Is better being alone when your friends can only offer you drink or drugs!
How much do you care for the others learning process situation?